I used to say "The truth is ..." and then divulge something horrendous about 56 minutes into hour long therapy sessions. I think it used to infuriate my psychologist as she then had to finish with strands untied. Comments half said. Reasons still uncertain.
The truth is, I'm trying to prove I'm not an alcoholic. However, in going "yes, I'm not drinking" I've proved I probably am. Physically, I feel awful. Headaches start at 1pm and yesterday it continued until my vision was impaired and I lay in bed feeling as if I was about to throw up. Headache has started again today already.
My head pounds, my neck pounds, especially when I stand up.
Horrible nightmares (Last night's was group therapy with the evil psychiatrist leading and held in a room at the school where I had a breakdown with the other members of the group being some of my current students. *shudder*)
My abdomen hurts, I feel constantly sick.
My eyes look awful, my face looks grey.
I feel awful first thing in the morning, like a opposite hangover.
I hadn't realised I was quite this bad. I knew I hadn't had more than a handful of alcohol free days in 2010, but I thought it would be easy to just decide to stop. That it was all a choice, something I could just stop without any effect apart from a healthier looking bank balance.
Maybe I am what would be considered an alcoholic. That fills me with dread. Yes, I drink at home. Yes, I drink on the train on the way home from concerts. Yes, I drink during the intervals of concerts. And maybe one before if I feel like it. But maybe that isn't considered suitable, even though it is the norm for me.
Many would just say I was being a "typical student". I'm not your average student for one thing, and for another I'm frightened I've become dependent on alcohol. Aged 20. With jobs which require control and performing and being the responsible adult for sets of kids.
Day 4, and I feel physically horrendous. And would really quite like a double vodka immediately to perhaps alleviate this. But that just proves the people who were concerned right. I'm not just doing it because others were concerned, but I feel an "I told you so" waiting around the corner for me.
I don't want to lead a completely tee-total life. I just want to know it is completely a choice and I'm not damaging myself. However, if this period of physical withdrawals is anything to go by, I was already in the category I so wished I wasn't ever going to be in.
So, the truth is I'm trying to be sober. For a while. At least until I don't feel I need a drink, but rather that I quite fancy a drink and only the one glass, rather than a bottle.
*sits clutching head and fantasising about alcohol* This can't go on forever, surely?