(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

The truth is...

I used to say "The truth is ..." and then divulge something horrendous about 56 minutes into hour long therapy sessions. I think it used to infuriate my psychologist as she then had to finish with strands untied. Comments half said. Reasons still uncertain.

The truth is, I'm trying to prove I'm not an alcoholic. However, in going "yes, I'm not drinking" I've proved I probably am. Physically, I feel awful. Headaches start at 1pm and yesterday it continued until my vision was impaired and I lay in bed feeling as if I was about to throw up. Headache has started again today already.

My head pounds, my neck pounds, especially when I stand up.
Horrible nightmares (Last night's was group therapy with the evil psychiatrist leading and held in a room at the school where I had a breakdown with the other members of the group being some of my current students. *shudder*)
My abdomen hurts, I feel constantly sick.
My eyes look awful, my face looks grey.
I feel awful first thing in the morning, like a opposite hangover.

I hadn't realised I was quite this bad. I knew I hadn't had more than a handful of alcohol free days in 2010, but I thought it would be easy to just decide to stop. That it was all a choice, something I could just stop without any effect apart from a healthier looking bank balance.

Maybe I am what would be considered an alcoholic. That fills me with dread. Yes, I drink at home. Yes, I drink on the train on the way home from concerts. Yes, I drink during the intervals of concerts. And maybe one before if I feel like it. But maybe that isn't considered suitable, even though it is the norm for me.

Many would just say I was being a "typical student". I'm not your average student for one thing, and for another I'm frightened I've become dependent on alcohol. Aged 20. With jobs which require control and performing and being the responsible adult for sets of kids.

Day 4, and I feel physically horrendous. And would really quite like a double vodka immediately to perhaps alleviate this. But that just proves the people who were concerned right. I'm not just doing it because others were concerned, but I feel an "I told you so" waiting around the corner for me.

I don't want to lead a completely tee-total life. I just want to know it is completely a choice and I'm not damaging myself. However, if this period of physical withdrawals is anything to go by, I was already in the category I so wished I wasn't ever going to be in.

So, the truth is I'm trying to be sober. For a while. At least until I don't feel I need a drink, but rather that I quite fancy a drink and only the one glass, rather than a bottle.

*sits clutching head and fantasising about alcohol* This can't go on forever, surely?


  1. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, cursed/loved stuff!! It is so hard to get under control. Some years back I was on an 'almost every day' thing with drinking, for a year or so. Then somehow I stopped totally, not a drop for 16 months - but as great as that sounds it wasn't giving up in a healthy way as I replaced the addiction with anorexia. Then went back to drinking, but more binge drinking than every single day - which can be just as hard on your health.
    Currently am at drinking once or twice a week - but too much when I do - which destroys two days out of my week living with the hangover. But I haven't had a drink since 29th Dec. I haven't made a NY resolution to quit completely but as you describe it I'd like it to be - "At least until I don't feel I need a drink, but rather that I quite fancy a drink and only the one glass, rather than a bottle."
    Wishing you the strength to get where you want to be, and don't beat yourself up too much at hiccups -(not the drunken kind, the little relapses ;-) - the guilt only makes you want to drink more. xx

  2. Lovely - message me, I some things to say but not here. xx