(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

More lighthearted stuff!

Just to balance out all that negativity!

On Saturday, I got a piece of mail, which seemed to be from the hospital where I was for a few months last year. I wondered why they were sending me post, maybe it was a "how are you doing a year later" letter?! It was actually from my psychiatrist, and was an assessment form that I had been asked to fill out, to send to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, for their Quality Control panel to create a report to send to my psych. Anyway, my psych is on maternity leave, so quite why she wanted to know what my thoughts were, I don't know! She picked me, probably because I'm quite polite, and I am in a better place than I was, so wasn't going to be all doom and gloom.
One of the questions was "Is she warm, caring, and genuine?"... my literal mind wanted to write "I don't know, never touched her to find out whether she has cold hands or not"! But I know that isn't the meaning of warm they meant. I was running my answers by my parents, who both said "I don't know if she is warm, never felt her hands" - it is nice to know though I'm the one with the label, they both have literal minds too!
I hope everyone else writes nice things, as she is a kind psych, and is much nicer than the normal community mental health psychs (who give me enough of an incentive to get better before I become their patient again! I'm not going to ever get on with them, due to their views on everything from medication to hospitalisation to labels to everything [including what I wear])
Anyway, I felt very important posting an envelope to the RCP, as it isn't my average letters!

Two nights ago, I was convinced I was seeing glowing things in the corners of my eyes as I went upstairs. Turns out it was the reflection in the sides of my glasses, from the moon through a window which didn't have the curtains shut. I took off my glasses, turned off the light, and lay down. Looked up, and saw a weird glowing shape, and couldn't work out what it was. Turned on the light, it was a mini glow-in-the-dark rubber duck that had found its way into my stationery box! I really need to take more details about stuff, instead of presuming I'm seeing weird things again!

I've been given chocolates by students in the last week. My family have eaten them all, and quite like the idea of "maths chocolates", but I keep finding wrappers everywhere! I prefer the "music wine" I got, which I hope could be a recurring theme! I've had quite a lot of "thank you" gifts/payments, from various sources, for my teaching/playing. All monetary gifts are documented in my accounts (I'm not your average 19 year old, I have to keep accounts of my income in case I need to explain my earnings to anyone) which will look healthy for December.

I need to work out how to get my stage piano down to church on Thursday, which is going to be interesting - I fear my brother will suggest some contraption with skateboard wheels and us pushing it, which might end up with a big piano/car crash. I will have to work out a more sensible method for piano moving. *ponders*

A disturbing realisation today was that I don't have much Chopin in my recorded music collection, something which will have to be rectified ASAP. I have quite a lot of Chopin sheet music, dating from 80 years ago to the present day, they are just lovely books, with lovely music. I'm going to perform some of it next month, which will be my first "piano performance" in a long time. I better get practising soon! After the 25th, I reckon!

And now my Dad is on the phone, and is drunk. Parents these days, eh!?


OK, I apologise to any poor soul who takes the effort to read this. I need to press a "publish" or a "send" button, but this seems to be the best way of doing it. Soooo, here I go:

Firstly, nobody has the right to tell me I'm relaxed. Or happy. Or comfortable. They don't know my head. I (despite my diagnoses) have become a good actress over the years. So if I'm in one of my jobs, I will be professional, and seem relaxed when I need to be, or happy. I have a smile which for me is a "smile and act content, it won't be long until you can hide in a corner" - which this old lady took to mean I was actually happy, and relaxed. I wasn't, far from it. Anyway, never tell me my emotions, because I feel like a fraud if people say those things. So go away, and don't say that again.

Number 2, snow isn't so great. People are having to miss things because of the snow around here. I had one singer arrive really late, and another one couldn't get out of her driveway, let alone drive to the church. People are sleeping in cars, people are abandoning cars in the middle of roads, and walking to somewhere warm.

Item 3, I keep forgetting things. I'm writing them down, have reminders on my phone, yet still forget them. I meant to email someone earlier, but didn't. He emailed me about 2 hours ago. I should have made the step earlier, and sent a brief thank you email, but I completely forgot. I also forgot my final tutorial until not long before it was meant to start. I'm never like this. It is worrying me.

The fourth thing, I have too many appointments this week! Supposedly, I have yet another one on Tuesday, and on Wednesday too. I had one earlier, which was really tricky to get to, due to number 2 on my list.

5th rant is about people sending anonymous cards to me. Very nice card it was, nice message too, but I don't know who in the church it has come from (it was left in church for me). Mystery cards cause me too much stress. I've tried to identify the handwriting with family cards, and I can't. Bleh.

Penultimately, I'm tired. Tired of all the constant stuff. Carols are now causing me more grief than I thought they could - I wake up with some carol in my head, fill my head with completely un-Decemberish music all day, then fall asleep with something else in my head. I'm also tired of not enough sleep, it is stupid. I'm tired of looking at huge lists of things to do, and not having the motivation to do a single thing.

Finally, I miss people who I can't see. My grandmother's gravestone is meant to be put up tomorrow, in the cemetery where she is buried. I'm sure it will be lovely, but I'm not convinced. My other Grannie enjoyed Christmas. It was a time for drinking, playing the piano and seeing lots of friends (she had hundreds of friends, in lots of places). I feel rubbish thinking she hasn't been here for so many Christmases. This is my first Christmas without a grandmother alive, which feels weird. I selfishly am angry with them for leaving me. Life would have been very different with both of them still here. I might have never ended up involved in psych stuff, or not staying at uni, or ending up like this. Too many what ifs involved.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

First post!

I decided I would make a blog way back in July... anyway, life got in the way slightly, and my inability to decide on titles made the process take this long.

Lots has changed since July though... then, I was mostly a mathematician. Now, I'm spending the majority of my time on music stuff. They will mix next year when I start my new Open University courses, but until then, music is the focus.

Just under 2 weeks ago, I started a new job. I now have a contract, and a salary, with agreed rates for other stuff too (I've got quite a lot of music income in the next few weeks, with arranged services, funerals etc.). Still getting used to it, I'm not a fan of playing carols without a choir, and I've done that a few times now. I went for the "play loudly and triumphantly" thing this afternoon, as I was told I was too quite at a similar event last week. Anyway, how loudly I play isn't really an insurmountable issue, as I just pull out/push in stops! Organs have their advantages, as it doesn't matter how hard you push the note, the same level of noise comes out of the pipes!

The title "Music is silent" came to me whilst I was brushing my teeth one day this week (I get most of my phrases/titles whilst brushing my teeth in the early hours of the morning).
For me, my life *always* has music in it. It ends up being meaningless at times. When my head is noisy, music is utterly pointless, my ears seem to not be able to take in any sounds, as the internal voices are just too noisy.
But slowly, music brings me back to life. Sounds clich├ęd, but it is.

It works the other way around too - silent is music. Silence is music to me. Silence is an unknown concept to me, I have near-constant external noises - maybe people talking, or singing, or playing music, and constant internal noises - voices, really loud persistent thoughts, noises. Silence is something I think I would like to experience, just to discredit it and say it was far too boring for me. But music minus the rest of life would be good.

Mozart said "Silence is very important. The silence between the notes are as important as the notes themselves." I first came across this quote in the front of a music book dating from the1920's I have in my collection about 4 years ago. I still remember it now, silence made sense.
I sang Handel's Messiah in the Royal Albert Hall 4 weeks ago. The best silence I have ever experienced was during the Hallelujah chorus, when before the last phrase, *everybody* (so over 3,900 of us) observed the two crotchets rest, and looked at Sir David Willcocks to be directed to breathe before singing that last "Hallelujah" - that was amazing! I played for some excerpts from that piece last night, and the silence just wasn't the same. Anyway, I digress!

Hopefully, I'll remember to write posts on here. Life does get busy, and I get stressed and tired, but I think of things often that I want to write about, so here will be the place.

My reminder in my mobile telephone about writing this blog said "Silence makes music and music makes silence. Listen carefully enough and you can hear the silent music. Listen carefully enough and you can hear the music of silence"