(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 11 January 2010

Music *is* silent

I've had music on for a while. I'm not functioning very well today, so I have it quite loud - been told that I should turn it down.

I'm not taking it in though. According to the screen, it is an album of piano music. It says I'm on "5 of 28" which means I have been through this album, and another (so 28 pieces), and through the first 5 tracks again (all the same musician). My head claims to have never heard this. Not only did I apparently listen to this piece about 90 minutes ago, I have played the album lots before today too. The title on the screen is the same as a piece I heard being performed by this musician a few years ago. Which suggests it is a track I have heard it not only through headphones, but also being performed.

Effectively, this is what silence is. Not hearing anything. Well, not taking in the music I've got forced into my head by headphones. It feels rubbish.

My ears are not working with my head. My head is not working with my ears. qewuoiprdsfjk.,q3woripeu;adsfjkt9dsjoka3wa;eroiulsdftyidsjk34;0serilbjtgwfdji;sk

Looooong post

Set alarms early. Just in case the snow had gone, and I would get to my appointment. Woke up enough to snooze them/turn them off after about 5 post-snooze alarms, but was basically not going to wake up. I felt rubbish.

At the appointment time, Mum came in and put the phone by my bed, saying that she had spoken to someone at the office, and my psychologist will ring to check on me as we haven't seen each other since before Christmas (snow prevented last week's appointment too.) Psych rang. We spoke for about an hour on the phone, I was sitting in bed, still under the duvet, still in my pyjamas, still with a teddy under my arm. She didn't know those things though. Anyway, we spoke for ages on the phone. I said something (I forget what exactly, I don't assimilate auditory information well, that is why I avoid phones) and she got concerned. I have told her I'm not in danger, I'm not about to do anything, but she is worried. She booked a time for end of the week (shouldn't be seeing her again until next week earliest), and told me my CPN would ring later to discuss supporting me (I was meant to see CPN today too).

CPN rang to make sure I was safe, and to chat about stuff. She is going to come around in a few days to "check on" me, and to speak to me. If her car is not stuck in snow... She seemed concerned too.

One syllable (yes) to a question my psych asked me has led to this. A complete over-reaction. I'm not about to be found somewhere by the police, not now. For one thing, it is far too cold out there for me. Ok, stupid response, but I'm not going to be found by the police anywhere, and needing hospitals or ambulances or someone to take my body away, or emergency psych assessments. I'm not. So why are they doing all this "calm-panic" mode stuff?

In a normal week, I could have 2 - maybe 3 - bits of contact with the team. A psychologist appointment, a STR worker, and a CPN. The latter two tend to see me alternate weeks, psychologist every week normally. I don't see a psychiatrist at the moment, as I'm not on medication (my choice, after over 5.5 years of being medicated, I took myself off them, about 7 months ago). This week, I currently have 4 contact sessions planned/happened today, and my STR worker might ring if she can get through the snow.

I'm not complaining about all this support, I know I'm very lucky to get it. But it isn't hugely necessary, in my opinion. Let me just hope the crisis team aren't going to become involved, as I am not in anyway in a crisis.

I want to scream and shout "Go away, help someone who needs it" but they deem me to need the support.


What I didn't tell any of them is how bad nights are. I said I'm using my normal strategies, and that I'm usually down at night. In the last week, I've either cried myself to sleep (I don't cry very often at all), written a lot of angst-infested splurge writing (again not often done), hurt myself, or just sat with things in my hands that I *could* hurt myself with for quite literally hours. I get to sleep eventually, and I wake up, feeling very empty of energy. My dreams/nightmares aren't particularly pleasant, and make me feel rubbish.
Psych couldn't understand why self-harm had reduced. It is because I can't trust myself to be "contained" and stop appropriately. Which I admit doesn't sound very positive, but isn't a huge issue.


In positive news, everyone has gone back to school today. So I finally got some time in the day when I was alone in the house - that hasn't happened since months ago. I was looking forward to that last week, but snow meant people couldn't get out and about and leave me alone. It felt a bit like a little bit of freedom. Ok, so I couldn't go out, as the phone might have rung, or a parcel might have arrived (I've got a few things I'm waiting for, as have others), but I could do what I wanted. So I didn't have a big meal for lunch, and had it at 2pm, rather than midday. I played piano a bit, received a big parcel of music books (13 books, all with several [up to 150 in one book!] pieces in them - will keep me busy) and flicked through them once I had managed to rip off all the parcel tape and open the box in which they were contained.
I've been "stood down" from working tomorrow, as my boss has cancelled his medical appt. to run the class (the snow has meant the plans put in place to cover the class have not worked), which I suppose is good.
I've also just paid £62 for a driving practical exam for my younger brother. For my bank balance, I hope he passes this one (I've so far paid for 1 practical exam and his driving license...not a cheap idea) and it will also give him a bit of freedom for when cycling isn't an option. I'll do the same for my sister in a couple of years, so she doesn't feel like I've helped out him but not her. Sibling rivalry consists of what the oldest sibling helps both of them do, oh the joys.


I'm muddled, basically. I've got lots to say, but words aren't coming out of my mouth in the right way, and people are taking my comments to mean different things. Apparently my voice has gone too loud and monotonic, and I look sad. Nice for them to tell me that, just what I enjoy hearing. *sarcasm*

So yes, I apologise for the length of this, but it has been a long day considering I haven't left the house, or done anything of particular use to outside people.

Monday, 4 January 2010

Why I love the internet

I am not very old compared to lots of people, but I can remember a time when we were really "modern" having a computer at home, and internet. Even in 2002 when I did my GCSE in ICT, I can remember the frustration with everything not working. I found the printed out coursework this week, and it looks very dated.

Anyway, since then, internet has got much bigger, and I'm very glad for that.

I first started using the internet regularly when I was about 15, joined forums - one for mental health, and one for music. I still go on both, as well as various other forums and other things too.

I'm boringly stereotypical in that I like the internet as it means I don't have to interface with people. People say high functioning autistics like the internet for exactly that thing, so maybe I'm "normal within the HFA population" in that respect.

If it weren't for the internet, my life would be much more solitary than it is. My "social" events usually include the internet in some way - from playing music to going and just being with people (usually including drinking, either tea or alcohol!).

The internet has downfalls, my "obsessive and compulsive behaviours" revolved around the internet for years. It meant I was spending hours and hours each day getting more and more stressed and frantically reading news websites about deaths, bad situations (abuse, attacks, injustices in lots of areas of the world) as I believed I needed to know these things that were happening. I believed I was causing every bad thing in the world. It lead to me being in a hugely desperate state, and being put on a horrible psychiatric ward when I should have been revising for my A level exams. I was basically told not to go on the internet, as they believed this was causing my "mental illness to overwhelm my life". (the quotes in that are from doctors involved in my case at the time)

Anyway, the internet is getting much more positive for me. On an average day, I will speak to many more people online than in real life. That is the way I like it, and the people I speak to online lots are basically my friends. And that is the way I like it. My mobile phone contacts list contains more online people than "real life" people (a weird term for people who you interact with in real life, rather than those online) even though I have lots of emergency people in the list in case I ever need anyone (mostly my parent's friends).

Yesterday, I posted on a music internet site about people doing a piano duet with me at a music event (arranged completely online) later on in the month. Within a day, I have 4 duets sorted out to play, just because the internet has facilitated it.
On the same site, I mentioned I had been playing a piece of music - the Finzi Bagatelles for Clarinet and Piano. I was actually saying I wasn't very good at singing-and-playing whilst sight reading, but someone replied today saying that the Finzi "is covered in ink" and that I must be "a very useful pianist" for playing it. I laughed, as it made me think of "really useful boxes", and I've never been described as very useful before. I use the really useful boxes for my stationery supplies, and they are indeed, really useful! I like the idea of being very useful.

Shortly after this, someone (a clarinettist, who due to a comment I posted a few months back, knew I lived in a nearby village to her) sent me a private message, saying she would enjoy playing them with me, and could we meet up to do so? Without the internet, I wouldn't have a date in about a month's time to play music with someone else who enjoys music. I'm quite excited!
Before that date, I've got 2 other music events that are arranged through the internet.

Another positive of the internet is my studies. I started with the Open University just over a year ago, and wouldn't have managed that without the internet. Web design without the internet is quite redundant. Or I wouldn't have managed to contact my tutor with ease, or spent time discussing subjects with other people on the same courses as me.

I love the internet, and I'm sure I'll think of many more reasons as I think about this more.