(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 8 February 2010

Time to... ?

Time to stop. Sounds abrupt. Very abrupt. To stop seeing her. Sounds scary. To stop going to appointments in psych town every week. Sounds like change.

But I'm thinking about stopping seeing my psychologist. I have seen her most weeks since last March I think it was. Nearly a year. I've changed since then. Lots.

It was never given a time frame, never said that I was going to only have 6 sessions, or 12 sessions, or a year. Just until I felt able to cope.

Now I'm thinking maybe I want to have that tie slowly released. We are currently doing some work about recognising where I am, and what course of action to take. Visual prompts to challenge my thoughts. Or to just get through the night. Or hour. Or 5 minutes. I reckon this is useful, and will probably be a useful thing for the future too. Like logic gates, or a flow chart. Useful, logical, detached enough from it to seem scientific, but actually having an emotional 'help' too.

Maybe seeing someone every week, to discuss the headcrap isn't useful? Maybe it is holding me back? Maybe I should stop seeing her? I'll still see the STR worker, she leaves in mid-May, and could be replaced. I'll still see the CPN, she comes once a fortnight. I'm not seen by a psychiatrist, as I refuse medication when offered it, and they aren't in a position to force it down my throat at the moment. I'll still be seen by the team, but maybe I should stop seeing the psychologist.
This help doesn't go on forever. It can't, and it won't. Maybe I should stop it now?

She said today, in a review I had with her and my STR worker (she is the supervisor of the STR worker), that she needs to know if I will say "I want to stop" as she knows I'm polite, and don't like saying negative things to others. (except, this isn't really negative! But it feels like I'm rejecting her... yep, I'm concerned for my psych's feelings about stopping seeing me! *rolls eyes*)

I know what makes me feel shit, it is generally what I have done for years, and slip into unknowingly when I take my focus off keeping going. I know what makes me feel better, the little things - getting to work, playing the piano for fun, bright coloured clothes, general stuff. Some 'crazy' stuff has a place in between the two, and needs deciding on at individual times - which is fine. The self-harm isn't always negative. The playing the piano in the dark and just playing moody improvisations isn't negative either. The crying at pictures of me as a baby isn't negative always, sure it means I need a cry, but it also means I can cry if I need to. The drinking isn't negative at the moment, but I keep an eye on it. When I feel able to, and need to, going for physically demanding bicycle rides up and down hills isn't negative - it gets rid of the energy. Case by case basis.

I think I have come too far to get back to where I was. When I was always in crisis, and unable to basically move without people watching in case I did anything. When I was much much heavier due to icky psych meds which weren't helping me at all, but instead made me into a drooling huge mess. When I would think nothing to staying in the house staring into space for literally days.

Maybe it is time to start living away from the MH stuff? The stuff which has dominated my life. It has made me who I am, but isn't my defining feature. It has defined my features, my life, but I'm more that the MH stuff. This is the life I have now, and I have to decide what to do with it. It isn't the life I wanted, it never will be, but I'm going to make the most of it. As I am not dead, and seem to have a resilient body that won't drop down dead, I better start living. Bugger, scary thought. But a positive one.