(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 4 October 2010


I'm having another CPA (Care Plan) meeting. At the end of the month. It was only the end of June I last had one. I'm meant to be on yearly CPA's. So why, you may ask, am I having another one?

Well, my psychiatrist (who isn't really my psychiatrist as I'm not on any medication) wants to have a "positive" meeting before she goes on maternity leave. Apparently the world of psychiatry is proving a bit depressing, and so she wants to see me for a pleasant chat. How nice. *sarcasm*
I last saw her in November the week before she went on maternity leave. She told me that she was going to write in my notes that I shouldn't see her replacement, as she knew how much I hated medication. Anyway, she came back from that leave in July, and is going on maternity leave for her second child in November. (see previous comments about having a fertile care team)

So, I'm having another CPA. 4 months and 3 days after the last one (Which, by the way, resulted in this blog post being written). My brilliant position as a "success story" means I've got to travel to the centre for a 10am appointment during half term week (so less early starts for the rest of the family). I feel I've got to paint on a smile, say things are fab, that I'm looking at life through wonderful rose-tinted glasses and though I still hear odd things, it isn't too bad and though I currently feel on the edge of a breakdown all is well. Ahhh. *fake grins and laughing and skipping through autumnal leaves in an idyllic way*

Correct me if I'm wrong, but surely CPAs are meant to have some purpose? Surely they aren't just meant to be a nice hour spent with me talking about my plans for the life I say I want to lead and about the year I've had? Not just making the care team feel all warm and fluffy and nice inside?
Thinking about that report from the last meeting (I can't find the paper copy, it is probably filed in a box somewhere), I realise several things have slipped. However, I couldn't tell my CPN today that yes, I have parts of my body bandaged up. She squirmed when asking about my "lesser" harm, I couldn't tell her what has actually happened recently after that reaction.

I know if I don't tell them, they'll never know. I know that. But I just wish sometimes that it was easier to say what I wanted/needed to say without words being put into my mouth or being told how well I'm looking or being told what a wonderful thing it is that I'm functioning so well.
Seemingly the deceptive looks have deceived them...


  1. I just wrote a reply to this and then my bloody internet disconnected and lost it, so I shall try and remember what I said!

    I am really sorry that you weren't able to talk to your CPN about how you have been feeling. How about writing it all down and sending it to her? Sometimes it can be a lot easier to express things on paper than having to sit opposite someone and just telling them everything, particularly if they are sitting there making assumptions based on how you look etc. Also, it might be worth mentioning that how you appear isn't always indicative of how you feel. It should be obvious, but an awful lot of mental health professionals seem to assume that if you smile or laugh then everything is fine, and it actually means nothing. Please don't let them think everything is fine just so that they can pat each other on the back and say how well they have done. You need and deserve help. xxx

  2. Thanks for the comment. I guess, quite frankly, I don't want to tell them for the comment back to be "But are you really feeling bad? You look so well..." *thwacks head on desk*

    It is a losing battle, they are not there to "save" me, I need to stop myself. I can't expect miracles from this team, so right now I see little point in persevering with telling them stuff. Especially when the stuff that I would tell is so deeply personal and frightening and private. I don't think they can help, so telling them stuff is probably a futile event. Or one that could get me in hospital. Neither option is desirable.

    Working in a specialist psychosis intervention team probably is a relatively thankless task. If they think they've got a success story in me, then maybe I should just let them think that?

    *hides under the desk until morning*

  3. On reading your post I thought of the following, and wanted to share it with you.

    Let’s Communicate

    Why do you ask how I am?
    Why do you ask if I am feeling better?
    Already you have decided the answer.
    For you, I must be better.
    That is all you want to hear.

    Why do I say I’m fine?
    Why do I say everything is ok?
    Well, I want to please you, to fulfil your expectations.
    If I say I’m not ok, you will require an explanation.
    An explanation that I can not give.

    So it is easier to say what you want to hear.

    Let us be careful; careful how we ask.
    Let’s ask, truly wanting to know.
    Let’s ask without expectations.
    Maybe then we will communicate.
    Not just talk, but actually communicate.

    Maybe we will meet each other, where we are.

    Copyright © Feb 2009 Twitter user: @Hidihidi

  4. 'If they think they've got a success story in me, then maybe I should just let them think that?'

    Noooo. You are struggling and need help - they are only allowed to think they have a success story when they actually have, not just to make themselves feel better.

    I know they aren't there to save you. But they are there to support you and to talk things through with you, and at the moment you aren't getting support.

    I know it is really hard to be honest, but I really think you need to be. xxx

  5. Thanks Hidihidi, that poem sums it up in a beautifully eloquent way.

    Bippidee, thanks. The thing is right now I can't face it. The effort, the worry I've worded things incorrectly, the worry I'm going to be locked up, I can't do it. Being "urgh" but on the right path for these exams is the better option. Invasions of my privacy will not help, and will hinder my currently wafer-thin sense of stability. I'll assess the situation again in 2 weeks time, when I've got this stress out of the way. Without the CPN interfering things should be better (I'm not scheduled to see her again until the end of the the month)