(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 23 August 2010


My head is noisy. To a point where functioning most of the time I need to function is getting tricky.

However, the quandary is whether to tell my CPN. One part of me says "yes, it is her job to know". The rest of me says "Don't bother, it will either result in medication, or overwhelming involvement of more of her team, or threatens of hospital, she'll tell my parents and nothing will help and may just get worse as a result."

My psychiatrist is back from maternity leave now. I almost don't want to admit I'm feeling rather mad as I'm her "medication is a load of rubbish" person. As in, I was given lots of medication for years and years, then stopped taking them and improved, to the point where she was happy to admit I wasn't someone for whom taking medication works. If I admit to my CPN, will an appointment be made with psychiatrist? Probably. It feels like I'm failing.
I don't want medication. I certainly don't want to be forced to take medication.

More of the team, or more of my CPN seems a tricky thing to cope with. I'm busy and an hour with someone takes more than that much time out of my days. Either by having to clear the house to make me look functioning, or make myself able to leave the house for out of the house appointments.
I don't want more of her, or more of the team. I've had enough of them.

Hospital is a big no no. I know they won't hospitalise me without good arguments, when they are stretched for beds and I'm not about to leap off a chair to try to kill myself. It would mess up my jobs, my studies, my life.
I don't want hospital. I can't, I won't, I'll not go.

Parents can't know. I'm well. I'm functioning. I'm fine. My head is going a bit wrong, but I'm 20 and I should have choice in the matter of who gets told. However, because they are "nice, incredibly supportive parents" my CPN deems it necessary to talk to them. Gah.
I don't want my parents to know. They've been through enough with me.

This is the problem. I've talked myself out of telling her because it can't help if she does anything like what I've written above. I'm not sure what else she could do. I'm not sure how she could help. I've got stuck again. My head will either get more noisy with more destructive noises than screaming children, butterfly flapping in a jar, a trombone doing a glissando up and down and up and down OR it will stay at this level OR will get quieter again. I'm not sure which will happen, now is very different to the last time I was this constantly noisily headed. I'm thankfully not seeing things at the moment. (always find a positive to balance up the negatives)
I might surprise myself and tell her. Problem with this lottery is doing nothing doesn't guarantee an outcome, neither does doing something.

Silence in my head would be nice. I'm in a way so conscious of going mad(der) again that I'm bound to go madder. A year of psychological therapy + 4 months post-therapy-"independence" makes me more conscious of it all. Right now, the thought of "would being so caught up in it but not feeling conscious of it like I was before be that much worse?" is fairly prominent.

It isn't much of a quandary really. I know I should tell her, but I doubt I will tell her. Hum.

The problem with a noisy head is "hearing voices" is deemed completely mental by most. Feeling anti-social, depressed or whatever, people somehow believe they know what it is like. Hearing voices is somehow another level of "mentalness" though. It isn't voices though, not at the moment. Maybe I am just mad and just need to effing accept it is going to be my life.

Before she comes in just over 12 hours time, I need to de-mentalise the house. Socks on the coffee table, empty bottles of wine behind the sofa, dead flowers from the side - all need to be sorted. I haven't seen her for a month, so the house isn't very sane at the moment. Appointments twice a week meant the house couldn't get too untidy in between, now though, it has. Ah, the joys.

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