(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Operation: staying alive

This operation, code name "Staying alive" has been successful so far, however much I tried to do something else at times.

Anyway, this operation/task requires sorting out the future a little bit at a time. So today, I've made my next agreement to staying alive - I'm registered on courses (as of an hour ago) which will mean staying alive until January. Without this agreement, I probably still will be alive until January, but this is my way of telling myself no other option is more suitable.
3 courses. The last "free choice" bits of my degree, before the hard work starts in February for the final year of my BSc.

It is probably weird that I have this bargaining with myself to stay alive. When I was in the "die,die,die,die" phase, I used to tell myself things like: "I can't do it this week, it is Mum's birthday this week." or "I can't do it this month, someone very close to the family died this month 4 years ago." or "I can't do it in the next week, my students are about to take their exams and need continuity of my face at class." Sometimes this functioning exterior which kept me going meant I didn't do anything after that short time period was over. Sometimes it didn't and I was deemed to be in crisis again. Now, time frames are longer, but are there *just in case*. Agreeing to do the next 6 months means agreeing to live. In early December, I'll sign up to next year's courses, thus agree to live until next October.

A commitment to live is a bit binding, but how I do it. A realisation that by not upholding this agreement to live until the date I've set myself would be not just failing my life as I've created it, but also my courses means I've got to keep going. Hopefully enjoy lots, doing fun things, dealing with stuff, probably have wobbles, probably scream and shout and despair with the staying alive task, but do it. Stay alive.

I have this niggle I'll fail. I've strived to succeed so much I ended up turning myself rather mad. I also have a niggle in my head I'll run out of things to stay alive until at some point but hopefully not soon. One day it might just be a given fact I'm staying alive, it might be that life is enough to stay alive for I suppose.

Anyway, before next January, I've got to finish these 3 courses I'm currently doing. Then do the 3 short courses. So instead of spamming my blog yet more, I'm going to do a few hours work. And be grateful for staying alive until now. And cringe when I wonder how I'm going to pay for next year's courses as I'm feeling rather lacking in funds after today's registration for these courses.

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