Been a mental today. Met other "mentals". Could cope with the park, that was manageable, and lovely too. Got into the pub, and BAM, head mess started.
All the horrible precursors to a complete sensory overload/meltdown had started. I was shaking, trying to not twitch too much, trying not to turn into a blubbering idiot, trying not to shut down to the point of "hands over ears, rocking, muttering to self, unaware of people staring". My head was screaming. The rather distressing "butterfly trapped in a jar" noise in my head I've had recently was loud, the music in the pub was like my head was being slowly squished. If anyone had tried to touch me, I may have hit them - thankfully no-one did. My mouth was tasting weird. My eyes couldn't focus enough for looking through properly.
I hate I have this horrible body going all weird and head being messy stuff. If I could feel what I regard "normal" to be, I think it would be a completely different outlook on the world. I might decide "normal" is rubbish, but it must be very different.
Stripy socks or not, I feel uncomfortable in my current body. Tonight it feels like I'm being poked by a thousand little pins. My clothes don't fit as I've not replaced stuff from when I was huge, and I haven't lost enough to get into my non-fat clothes yet. Medium clothes (for not huge, not non-fat) were bought when I was on my way to huge, so I bought things whilst being (horrifically pessimistic, but realistic too) prepared to have a larger body fit into them.
Didn't help that a person I was at college with was on the train up. She came over to say hi, and is so confident and self-certain. I don't think I'll ever be that. I've become resigned to being at least a little mental for ever, so I don't think I'll ever be truly self-certain with life. There will always be the niggling thought saying "Stuff will go backwards again, it is so easy to slip back. It was once bad, always a possibility now" in my messy noisy head.
Life is OK at the moment. Sure, I have my wobbles, but they aren't huge mostly. My head won't ever be quiet, but I can deal with the incessant noises/chatter/rubbish. But sometimes I just go into utterly crap autistic mad woman mode. Trying to be sociable without the music façade to hide behind which I usually have is more tricky than I thought.
So to the people who I was with today who were lovely and looked normal, thanks. I'll do it again, just won't even attempt doing a pub. It may be avoidance, but to be quite honest, I'm not able to cope with everything and I think pubs are it. So, to my care team who think I should be fully integrated into everything and until I am, I'm not fully "well" (pfft!) I'm just going to make a childish face at you. *wrinkles up nose, squeezes eyes shut and sticks out tongue*
Tonight I feel all jumbled up. There isn't a huge heavy weight on my chest, but breathing isn't that feeling very natural right now (I'm sure if I wasn't focussing on it, I'd carry on breathing, but I'm aware I keep exhaling and not inhaling again for a while). My skin feels very weird, but tomorrow will be OK. I've got to be the non-mental musician tomorrow. Be part of the start of a marriage alongside my normal Sunday stuff. Life is weird, I've got a job where emotions are quite prominent, yesterday I did a funeral where so much sadness is and reflecting on the past, tomorrow a wedding with happiness and excitement for the future. I live as much as I can in the present, it is busy enough to not dwell too much on the past or get frightened about the future. Sometimes the present is just a bit... well... tricky, y'know?
Brain splurged. Brain tired. Body aching. Time for a dark room with suitable music and calming down my senses before sleep I think.