(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

It is gone

Remnants, a blog from last August

I've done it. I've done it. It is gone. No longer exists. As of yesterday, it is part of my past. Not a painful reminder in the physical (well, as much as a email folder can be physical) but only a mental reminder.

Was speaking with UniMentor yesterday morning. She said "remember when we first met 2 years ago? You would have laughed if I told you that you would walk down to church on your own. Now look at you!" That's the thing, the life I now lead was a laughable farce then (is that a tautology? Well, anyway, I digress...)
Yesterday was the first day that everyone was out for weeks and weeks - school holidays, work holidays, lack of external activities meant I've not been alone for ages. Yesterday I had the space to think, the quietness which I've craved for the 2 weeks.
I tweeted yesterday: "I can't explain it in words. I can't explain it in music. I can't explain it in actions. Basically, I'm stuck with it. Raargh. #cryptictweet" Things are feeling a bit stuck because usually I can find some means to explain it and then that's a bit better. There's something twisting inside me and I can't work out how to explain it to settle it.

I needed to DO something, something positive to try and alleviate the "rarrrgh". So I started up the computer, let it load the folder (took a good minute or so - the computer is on its last legs but includes my work emails) and deleted it. And deleted the back up. And the back up of the back up. Then I shut down the computer and carried on with my day.

In a way, I'm elated it is gone. Petrified it is gone, because it signifies so much the feelings which so nearly killed me. I can't look at the news websites today -  stuff is still lingering now ("Explanation") and after what led me to start collecting news stories it is best I don't see what has happened today in the world. I've taken a big step, a big step out of what I know just by deleting it, so I'm now precariously wobbling as I settle my feet in this new place.

Life's big and exciting and petrifying and fun and scary and sad-in-places and happy-in-other-places and colourful and dark and... I'm growing into being "me", after so many years of fighting it. Which means I have to leave things behind - the folder, the big grey coat which I wore all of every day for a year, the past. Being mental took me in, kept hold of me, and though I'm not exactly "mentally normal" (I don't think that will ever be the case and I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for the quirks) I'm getting there. I'm getting there. Even though I can't explain the current "stuff" in my head in any format, I'm coping OKish.
The folder is gone. I can't change the last 8 years but I can put some of it far away.
In a way it is massive relief, in other way it feels like the most foolish move I have made in a while. Now is the time to let the dust settle and carry on.
*takes a deep breath and goes to prepare for this afternoon's rehearsal*

1 comment:

  1. This is such good news, I'm grinning and bouncing on the sofa :)