(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Saturday, 12 March 2011

An explanation

I just feel I need to say this, as otherwise I could come across as incredibly uncaring.

I can't comment on the situation in Japan. I can't watch the television as undoubtedly it would move to news at some point (especially with my household). I can't look at the BBC News web page, I'm avoiding Radio 4 at the turn of each hour, and at 1pm and at 6pm and at 10pm...

Y'see, even now, even after I've decided I'll live rather than die (well, rather than die as a result of my own doing), after Mental Health Professionals all telling me that I'm not responsible (well, they say that and "you're psychotic" which is a wonderful way of saying "your reality doesn't conform to what is considered "right""), after them dissecting this "belief" (read: truth) to the nth degree for years and years, I still feel responsible.
I feel responsible for the Japanese earthquake. I hear you all frowning, I hear you all mumbling "but, hang on, she's a logical minded mathematician, how on earth could she believe that?", I hear you all reaching for the "she's bonkers" label to put on me.
I feel responsible every time there is a fire, every time there is a murder, a (incredibly horrific phrase) "killing spree", suicide bombers, earthquakes, hurricanes.

Yes, when being objective, I can't be. Well, rather, with the "mentally healthy" rules of the world, I can't be. But, when being me, I am. Simple as. I think about destruction, people get killed. I think about murdering people, people get murdered. Yes, the world does in effect fuel this thinking with the events that happen all too often, but it is how my head is.
I can't cope with saying "The situation is horrific" or that I'm praying for them because I feel I caused them. It isn't that I don't care, it isn't that I'm far too involved in my own little life to even write a tweet saying something about it.

So, there it is. A fairly short explanation into why I never mention world events in which devastation and death is involved. I hope no-one judges me as complete loon (hey, Mental Health Services have decided I'm not crazy enough at the moment, and they haven't locked me up for nearly 2 years). Just felt that I needed to explain why I'm incredibly me-based right now.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs*

    That must be a very heavy burden to carry, feeling responsible for all these things. Please don't beat yourself up if you're not able to cope with the news or mention world events/disasters... I think many of us avoid them for various reasons (I don't watch the news when seriously depressed as it only drags me down further, whereas most of the time what's going on in the world is very important to me).

    FWIW I don't think you're responsible... firmly on the side of logic here! ;)

    Moon Tree x