If..

If I was sane, life would be boring.
If I was happy all the time, I wouldn't know how to appreciate it.
If I was without exhilarating music in my life, I'd feel dead.
If I was without emotive, heart-wrenching music, I would be cold.
If I was alive, I'd feel alive.
If I was sane, I'd feel differently about all the world.
If I was happy at all, I'd appreciate it.
If I was finding the exhilarating music exhilarating, I'd feel alive.
If I was with emotive, heart-wrenching music, I would feel like I do now. Heart-wrenchingly destroyed. I'll never see the world with innocent eyes, never hear the world with innocent ears, never experience it without thinking of other things.

The realisation is horrible. I've grown up. I'm not the troubled child any more. I'm the functioning adult. However, the adult who wants to scream, and shout and rant and show everyone that she really feels rubbish... but won't. I'll outwardly be alive, smiling, functioning, kind. It is all a huge façade. Someone was saying to me today how keeping the inward and outward views of the him separate was tricky for him. I completely agree. Except no-one knows in the "real world" how utterly torn I am. How I feel I've ended. My innocence is gone. I'm not sure I've had this innocence for some time, but tonight it has hit me. I've grown up. I don't like it.

If I was innocent, I'd view the world in an innocent way.
Now though, now, now I don't. It is heart crushing. Soul destroying. Horrible.

Tomorrow, in fact 12 hours time, I'll be directing a choir. Playing music. Feels impossible to do so with any emotion, instead I'll just be doing the technical drills. Otherwise I'll end up in a heap over the organ in tears. Just sobbing.

:(