(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 6 September 2010


It is weird how I'm sitting here in ill-fitting, faded, fat clothes, with my hair greasy and just piled up on my head to be out of the way, yet I feel comfortable with my body.

It is weird how calm I feel though I'm less than 6 weeks away from my 2nd year exams now, and it is the first week of term so I have my term-time activities back in my schedule this week and other things going on too.

It is weird how I've got through the summer holidays without killing my sister. On day 2, I was seriously considering how I would cope. There are distinct disadvantages to living at home - most of which appear during the school holidays when I'm more in contact with my siblings. Anyway, my sister goes back to school in 38 hours time and she is still alive.

It is weird how I manage to do things now that even a few weeks ago where a certain no-no. Like doing a trip on the London Underground on my own. Yes, OK, I ended up on the wrong side of a barrier meaning I was on a platform for trains to Oxford, but I got help rather than being unable to admit I had gone wrong so rectified the situation (though Oxford would have been quite a nice place to end up).

It is weird how crisis-free this year has been so far. The flitting from crisis to relative-un-crisis to the next crisis is currently just part of my past and a fear for the future. A life without the melodrama means finding things to do, means finding other features to be other than the melodramatic crazy.

It is weird how I've got such inner conflict about something fairly obvious. I need to improve my skills that I use during my job, so I need to have organ lessons. There is someone very good who many people recommend who lives near by. However, I don't seem to be able to do the obvious "right thing". I'm worried about being criticised. Being judged. Having expectations put upon me. I haven't had a music lesson in 16 months. It is stupid, I do enough criticising of myself, I need to improve and constructive advice from a teacher is needed. I'm worried that this person will realise how inept I am at playing the organ and wonder quite why I am employed as an organist. I'm concerned that he will talk to other organists in the area (they are all serious gossipers/talkers from what I see) and I'll be put down in their views of me. I'm a 20 year old girl, I admit I'm not great, BUT I do the best job I can given my current situation. They might all just see me as even more of a second-rate person than I probably already am to them.
I need to stop making excuses for not having some lessons. It needn't be a hugely long term thing - I need pointers to be able to improve the playing myself. Also, I've got a very small budget as most of my funds go onto my university studies at the moment.
It is weird how I'm putting off the most sensible and obvious plan of action.

In connected news to that last sentence, still haven't managed to pluck up the courage to make that GP appointment...

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