(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Tuesday, 31 August 2010

GP versus Me

(probably part one of many, just to warn you)

I need to go to the GP. My joints getting worse is not an option to take with complete passivity and denial. However, that means going to the GP. There is the toss up between:
1) Utterly frightening GP man who has been the person who is the name is on all my MH records so has got huge amount of letters over the years (but I have completely avoided since I was 9, but was our neighbour for all the time until I was 13 so knows the family)
2) Some random GP woman, who won't know I'm not as scary/crazy as my records will say so may judge that I'm just a crazy person.

If they want to see my wrists, who ever it is will see my icky arms. If they decide x-rays are necessary, then a person at the community hospital will have to see my icky arms. If they want bloods done, then a nurse will have to see my icky arms.
All to possibly be told that there is nothing they can do. Or that it will just get worse.

My hands are so important to me. In effect, I earn because of my hands - without functioning fingers you can't be an organist. Or accompany exams. Or just enjoy playing instruments. Today, I haven't touched the piano because my wrists hurt too much.
I've denied that it will "just go away" for far too long. My mental health worker when I was 15 tried to persuade me to go and was prepared to make and then come to the appointment with me. Then it got better again just the occasional few hours of pain maybe once every few months. However, the past few weeks have been bad. Probably not helped by quite a lot of piano playing during the times when it isn't painful, but I've got to play. I'll go (more) bonkers without it.

I can see really old arthritic hands, with non-flexible swollen joints. See the grimace on my grandmother's face as she attempted to move in her last 10 years of life. Yes, very melodramatic to jump straight to that being my life, but it is a possibility.

I can't just ignore it, or let fear of the GP get in the way of perhaps finding some answers/ways to make it get better. I'm only 20, I shouldn't feel like my body is failing. If it is a case of wearing splints overnight to stop me from over-bending my wrists, then that seems the sensible solution. Because for how ever many hours a day I am asleep, most of those are spent with completely bent wrists as when I sleep my arms move into that position - which can't be good for them.

I'm scared they will laugh. Or will fob it off as just something psychological. Or will blame the physical stuff I've done to my body which is so evident from my arms. Or tell me to just put up with it, and to change my life from here on in. I'm scared of basically all the outcomes, but most of all I'm scared of having to admit I've got a horrible fear of being unable to play the piano.

First step is making an appointment and choosing who to see. Or rather, letting my Mum make me an appointment as I can't do telephones. Then I've got to tackle physically sitting in the waiting room, with a smell of GP-ness which makes me feel sick. Then deal with an appointment without making myself look like a complete imbecile. And come home and deal with whatever the immediate outcome is, deal with the inevitable dissection of every single thing I said/didn't say when with them. Then if they suggest something else needs doing, I'll need to deal with that.

It needs to be done. It is petrifying though. It may take some time to get done. But it needs to be done, hopefully soon. *panics and frowns as my wrists are really hurting now*

1 comment:

  1. Could your mum or someone go to your appointment with you, to make sure that they don't try and fob you off? It does sound like something important. I was worried because I had problems with my voice, and am a singer as you know, and I didn't think they would take that seriously, particularly given my eating disorder history etc, but I was referred to ENT, and then to a voice therapist etc, and despite loathing and despising the evil (multiple) larygoscopys I had to have, I am so pleased that I went. The first time I was actually sent away by the voice therapy team, as they said they didn't deal with singers, but then it got much worse and even my speaking voice was just croaky and cracking all the time, and I was re-referred to a different team, and they saw me, so I am really glad I didn't give up. I honestly thought I was never going to be able to sing again, and that my voice was destroyed, but I am singing again now, and starting to get confidence back etc. I know this is a largely irrelevant story, but my point was that I also had a problem that was career related, that I didn't know if the NHS would give a shit about, but they did treat me etc. I do think you should get it seen to ASAP though - there may be something they can do to help it, or at least to stop it getting any worse, but sooner is better than later (if you are a Sondheim geek like me then name that song!). x