(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Monday, 11 January 2010

Looooong post

Set alarms early. Just in case the snow had gone, and I would get to my appointment. Woke up enough to snooze them/turn them off after about 5 post-snooze alarms, but was basically not going to wake up. I felt rubbish.

At the appointment time, Mum came in and put the phone by my bed, saying that she had spoken to someone at the office, and my psychologist will ring to check on me as we haven't seen each other since before Christmas (snow prevented last week's appointment too.) Psych rang. We spoke for about an hour on the phone, I was sitting in bed, still under the duvet, still in my pyjamas, still with a teddy under my arm. She didn't know those things though. Anyway, we spoke for ages on the phone. I said something (I forget what exactly, I don't assimilate auditory information well, that is why I avoid phones) and she got concerned. I have told her I'm not in danger, I'm not about to do anything, but she is worried. She booked a time for end of the week (shouldn't be seeing her again until next week earliest), and told me my CPN would ring later to discuss supporting me (I was meant to see CPN today too).

CPN rang to make sure I was safe, and to chat about stuff. She is going to come around in a few days to "check on" me, and to speak to me. If her car is not stuck in snow... She seemed concerned too.

One syllable (yes) to a question my psych asked me has led to this. A complete over-reaction. I'm not about to be found somewhere by the police, not now. For one thing, it is far too cold out there for me. Ok, stupid response, but I'm not going to be found by the police anywhere, and needing hospitals or ambulances or someone to take my body away, or emergency psych assessments. I'm not. So why are they doing all this "calm-panic" mode stuff?

In a normal week, I could have 2 - maybe 3 - bits of contact with the team. A psychologist appointment, a STR worker, and a CPN. The latter two tend to see me alternate weeks, psychologist every week normally. I don't see a psychiatrist at the moment, as I'm not on medication (my choice, after over 5.5 years of being medicated, I took myself off them, about 7 months ago). This week, I currently have 4 contact sessions planned/happened today, and my STR worker might ring if she can get through the snow.

I'm not complaining about all this support, I know I'm very lucky to get it. But it isn't hugely necessary, in my opinion. Let me just hope the crisis team aren't going to become involved, as I am not in anyway in a crisis.

I want to scream and shout "Go away, help someone who needs it" but they deem me to need the support.


What I didn't tell any of them is how bad nights are. I said I'm using my normal strategies, and that I'm usually down at night. In the last week, I've either cried myself to sleep (I don't cry very often at all), written a lot of angst-infested splurge writing (again not often done), hurt myself, or just sat with things in my hands that I *could* hurt myself with for quite literally hours. I get to sleep eventually, and I wake up, feeling very empty of energy. My dreams/nightmares aren't particularly pleasant, and make me feel rubbish.
Psych couldn't understand why self-harm had reduced. It is because I can't trust myself to be "contained" and stop appropriately. Which I admit doesn't sound very positive, but isn't a huge issue.


In positive news, everyone has gone back to school today. So I finally got some time in the day when I was alone in the house - that hasn't happened since months ago. I was looking forward to that last week, but snow meant people couldn't get out and about and leave me alone. It felt a bit like a little bit of freedom. Ok, so I couldn't go out, as the phone might have rung, or a parcel might have arrived (I've got a few things I'm waiting for, as have others), but I could do what I wanted. So I didn't have a big meal for lunch, and had it at 2pm, rather than midday. I played piano a bit, received a big parcel of music books (13 books, all with several [up to 150 in one book!] pieces in them - will keep me busy) and flicked through them once I had managed to rip off all the parcel tape and open the box in which they were contained.
I've been "stood down" from working tomorrow, as my boss has cancelled his medical appt. to run the class (the snow has meant the plans put in place to cover the class have not worked), which I suppose is good.
I've also just paid £62 for a driving practical exam for my younger brother. For my bank balance, I hope he passes this one (I've so far paid for 1 practical exam and his driving license...not a cheap idea) and it will also give him a bit of freedom for when cycling isn't an option. I'll do the same for my sister in a couple of years, so she doesn't feel like I've helped out him but not her. Sibling rivalry consists of what the oldest sibling helps both of them do, oh the joys.


I'm muddled, basically. I've got lots to say, but words aren't coming out of my mouth in the right way, and people are taking my comments to mean different things. Apparently my voice has gone too loud and monotonic, and I look sad. Nice for them to tell me that, just what I enjoy hearing. *sarcasm*

So yes, I apologise for the length of this, but it has been a long day considering I haven't left the house, or done anything of particular use to outside people.

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