(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Tuesday, 22 December 2009


OK, I apologise to any poor soul who takes the effort to read this. I need to press a "publish" or a "send" button, but this seems to be the best way of doing it. Soooo, here I go:

Firstly, nobody has the right to tell me I'm relaxed. Or happy. Or comfortable. They don't know my head. I (despite my diagnoses) have become a good actress over the years. So if I'm in one of my jobs, I will be professional, and seem relaxed when I need to be, or happy. I have a smile which for me is a "smile and act content, it won't be long until you can hide in a corner" - which this old lady took to mean I was actually happy, and relaxed. I wasn't, far from it. Anyway, never tell me my emotions, because I feel like a fraud if people say those things. So go away, and don't say that again.

Number 2, snow isn't so great. People are having to miss things because of the snow around here. I had one singer arrive really late, and another one couldn't get out of her driveway, let alone drive to the church. People are sleeping in cars, people are abandoning cars in the middle of roads, and walking to somewhere warm.

Item 3, I keep forgetting things. I'm writing them down, have reminders on my phone, yet still forget them. I meant to email someone earlier, but didn't. He emailed me about 2 hours ago. I should have made the step earlier, and sent a brief thank you email, but I completely forgot. I also forgot my final tutorial until not long before it was meant to start. I'm never like this. It is worrying me.

The fourth thing, I have too many appointments this week! Supposedly, I have yet another one on Tuesday, and on Wednesday too. I had one earlier, which was really tricky to get to, due to number 2 on my list.

5th rant is about people sending anonymous cards to me. Very nice card it was, nice message too, but I don't know who in the church it has come from (it was left in church for me). Mystery cards cause me too much stress. I've tried to identify the handwriting with family cards, and I can't. Bleh.

Penultimately, I'm tired. Tired of all the constant stuff. Carols are now causing me more grief than I thought they could - I wake up with some carol in my head, fill my head with completely un-Decemberish music all day, then fall asleep with something else in my head. I'm also tired of not enough sleep, it is stupid. I'm tired of looking at huge lists of things to do, and not having the motivation to do a single thing.

Finally, I miss people who I can't see. My grandmother's gravestone is meant to be put up tomorrow, in the cemetery where she is buried. I'm sure it will be lovely, but I'm not convinced. My other Grannie enjoyed Christmas. It was a time for drinking, playing the piano and seeing lots of friends (she had hundreds of friends, in lots of places). I feel rubbish thinking she hasn't been here for so many Christmases. This is my first Christmas without a grandmother alive, which feels weird. I selfishly am angry with them for leaving me. Life would have been very different with both of them still here. I might have never ended up involved in psych stuff, or not staying at uni, or ending up like this. Too many what ifs involved.

No comments:

Post a Comment