(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Tuesday, 10 July 2012


Coming back to neglected blog and this time I am convinced I will actually publish something. So many half written posts sitting as drafts, 'tis getting silly.

Anyway, update since last time:
- I have a place on an MSc course. I start mid-September. Currently waiting a decision on whether I can have on-campus accommodation on health grounds. Delightful.
- I am no longer a student (after 4 years fairly solid studying). My final exams of my music diploma were a month ago.
- I failed a big music exam and can't afford to retake it. Not quite sure how I feel about that.
- I aced another big music exam and had a ball preparing/taking it. The viva was with a nice chap, we ended up slagging off some other musicians. *ahem*
- Physical health isn't great, trying to prevent further slides downwards on that.
- I took grade one tuba. Result pending. Got the giggles in the waiting room to the point I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

Think that's enough update.

So, I leave this town in two months, and I leave all positions of responsibility by the first weekend in August.
I always fear I'm only interesting because of what I do. Or I'm only the person I am because of the things I'm involved in. I'm passionate about what I do and that's why I do so much. Papers over the cracks, as it were. Stops anyone asking my opinion on non-things stuff, as I'm one of these focused types who people don't distract from doing things.
And slowly but surely (1 more youth choir rehearsal, 4 band rehearsals, 2 normal Sundays, you get the idea) my things are being stopped. Leaving me without my busy schedule.

I'm sure that won't leave me without a personality, but it will change me.

Been thinking about vocation, in a church type way, too. I'm the one who'll set up for services, fold linen, pick up the fallen petals from week-old flower arrangements. All those behind the scenes things, which I don't mind doing and feel helpful to do. However, I leave this church in less than a month and then won't have linen to help fold or things. I'm not great with visiting ill congregation members, I'm not able to help the church financially as I live off the minimal income of being a church organist... I know being a Christian isn't just the church, it is about how to live. If you take away all my responsibilities and things I do, will I struggle to help people, to serve?
I am struggling to work out where faith comes into my move to start the next chapter of my life. I'm not going to find a church where I can fold the linen, play the organ, change the altar hangings at liturgically appropriate points - I might be able to find a church to be the organist at, but I'm not going to be able to Do All The Things. I like doing things, I like being helpful, taking the pressure off some stressed people, that kind of thing. I'm a do-er not a think-er. I'm a do-er not a say-er of the right things necessarily. (Add into that the tangle of "will I be physically able to do some of these things in a few months time?" and you probably can see why I am in a wee pickle.)

I do believe that things will settle but I don't know quite where or how this will happen.

All in all, I'm very ready to move on from here, just not ready to deal with the change. Or rather, not feeling assured that I'm in control of everything to do with the change and life. (I'm not in control, but that doesn't stop me wanting to be.)

So, apologies in advance for any slight life/identity crises over the next two months and beyond. Could we go back a bit, when I was confidently ready to leave this current life, but the leaving wasn't so all-consuming?

Grant me the ability to see where I'm heading, not to dissolve into a puddle of overwhelmed thoughts, to be assured I'm more than my actions/things and to help those who I can help.

*hides under the desk for a bit*

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