I wish I was

[Disclaimer: This sounds rather melodramatic. It feels it from my view point. It's just what I feel tonight I should type to someone, anyone... and even if no-one reads it, I'll still feel I've "said" it.]


I wish I was drunk enough not to care.
I wish I was sober enough to see sense.

I wish I was able to realise that I am overthinking and actually just need to stop it.
I wish I was able to realise that I need to remember quite how far I have already come.

I wish I was in a position where I could be as reckless as I damn well pleased.
I wish I was in a position where I could talk to someone in person.

I wish I was back to square one where just getting to the end of each day and still be breathing was an achievement.
I wish I was this functioning human with all her life ahead of her and the ability to be the person everyone thinks she is.

I wish I was not trying but instead just admitting I need to stop for a bit.
I wish I was not struggling but still doing the motions and saying the words which are what makes me me.

I wish I was able to say "I'm struggling" without worrying my parents and my care team and everyone. It's just if I say anything to anyone who I might be expected to tell if things were dodgy (parents, CPN, duty worker at office if CPN isn't in...), BAM, the world starts constricting in on me. I can't have that. I won't have that. I don't need mollycoddling or an enforced restricted life, I need to be able to splurge words at a person. Say the words out of my mouth and know they have been heard. Without any repercussions.

I wish it was easy.
It's not. It's fucking difficult. Really fucking difficult.