I'm tired. Tired of being. Tired of being fake and happy. Tired of being sad. Tired of Christmas. Tired of being tired.
Right now, I want to have a nap. A 3 hour deep sleep, where I wake up having no idea what the time is. Where I twitch in my sleep as I'm sleeping so deep. Where I wake up shivering because it is so cold when I adapt to being awake again. Where I consciously allow the external noises my ears are feeling to cease to be - switch off my hearing, just before I stop thinking and slip into the sleep.
I can't. Because I don't have 3 hours before my next bit of work for today. Because it would screw up the vaguely functional sleep pattern that is currently here. Because even ten minutes now before going out again would result in me feeling far worse physically when I awake.
I'm tired. Creating energy for being "me" when out is difficult. Creating energy and bounciness (i.e. what I am) from this tiredness just leads to the tiredness becoming more overwhelming. I'm sleeping a good 8 hours most nights. I'm spending time sitting around not doing that much too. I shouldn't be tired.
Tomorrow, I'm doing a Grand Day Out. Getting out of this navel-gazing part of world and into London. But right now a day in bed seems preferable. It should be a great day, I can walk without a fake grin on because people won't start talking along the lines of "Oh, y'know Hannah, that young woman who is involved in X,Y and Z? Well, yesterday I saw her walking down the road looking really glum." like they do around here. Going to several concerts. My kind of brilliant day. Just need to do it, rather than wimp out. Or end up in a panic somewhere.
I'm tired. And now I need to go and get ready to familiarise myself with an unknown organ to do a Christingle service. Energy levels hugely needed. Energy level now: non-existent. Blah.