(though not necessarily in that order)

(though not necessarily in that order)

Saturday, 28 August 2010

60 weeks...

Sixty weeks from now I will have hopefully finished my degree.
Sixty weeks ago (almost exactly) was when I started refusing to take my medication completely. I'd only been out of hospital 6 weeks after an over-the-top reaction to the voices in my head left me "voluntarily admitted". (in quotes as it was a "However, if you don't come voluntarily, we will section you" situation)

Sixty. The number of seconds in a minute. Each second flies by, a minute isn't that long. The number of minutes in an hour, an hour isn't that long. Weeks zoom past, though each day seems so quick when looking back.

It is scary, really. After all the angst with life, to think I might be "done" with this degree in sixty weeks seems odd. To think 2 years from now I should be about to start my Masters. (because I finish my degree at the end of October, I'm not starting the next stage until the following September)

Plans have changed, adapted, been scrapped, some have emerged.

Y'know the "Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years time?" question that seems to crop up with Mental Health peeps often? Well, I've realised my answer has changed.

For quite some years the answer was always just one word. "Dead." Melodramatic, yes, but also true. However, 6 years down the line from when I first said it, I'm not yet dead.

My dream is to live a little cottage in the middle of nowhere either in fairly remote North Wales or Scotland. About half an hour from a university, so I can work there. So at some point before the dream can happen, I need to conquer the fear of driving, as public transport isn't brilliant in remote areas (found that out recently when I was having to make silly plans to manage a journey on public transport).
I'll have a piano, obviously. No television, but a radio. I'll eat dinner at a table for one, with music playing. Only answer the phone if it was on my terms and if I indeed must have a telephone. Internet needed more, I think.

My mum said a while back, "I can see you sitting in your croft looking out over glorious views, amazing music in the background, eating wonderful food you have made." I hope that to be the case one day. Even if the glorious views are hidden by thick fog, driving rain or low cloud - I know they are potentially there. ;)

I am happily a solitary being. Well, I think I am. I admit I haven't actually done living alone properly, but when ready I will enjoy it.

I know it will take years to get there. But the first stage from here to the dream is only 60 weeks away from being hopefully completed. Mind-blowing-ly bonkers. 60 weeks, that is basically the gestation period of a camel. (Side thought: what an utterly useless bit of information to have in my head!) It isn't very long in the grand scheme of things.

7 weeks from now, I'll be on the day after my final 2nd year exam. It is crazy how quickly time is going. Especially as I'm not panicking hugely (yet) about my exams. 7 weeks is a lot of time in the day-to-day life/revision time, just not overall.
*breathes a big breath and goes to live in denial of all this by playing the piano for a bit*

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