Academic success is not akin to success in life.
My psychologist spent about 30 hours trying to drum this into me as I was panicking with any mark under 90%. That meant Hannah is a failure. Since I've left therapy? In maths, a failure would have been anything under 85%. So I've 'succeeded' throughout, and got a first in my degree.
I was worried so much I wouldn't. It was creating elaborate "what if" scenarios. I wrote blog posts before I'd even started my finals, worrying about not getting that first.
People know I don't like spontaneous hugs from most people, yet yesterday I had 4. And a handshake, from the man who still treats me like I'm an unexploded bomb half the time as he still thinks my mental "stuff" is a major concern. (I appreciated the lack of yet-another-hug yesterday actually)
Academic success has been what I do.
Looking around potential places to my post-grad stuff has made me realise quite how crap my body is. For all I know, I could be a wheelie post-grad. 10 months until then and my walking is distinctly dodgy now. TheKillerHillsOfBristol put me off (and the uninspiring department building, if I'm being honest). TheKillerHillOfBath wasn't going to be possible.
I've got that first, that first which I've been wanting [I think it was wanting, rather than wishing, too] since I was knee-high to a grasshopper - which slipped out of view, into view, out of view, into dreams, out of dreams, into the expectations of those around me.... [you get the idea]
Preparations for concerts still go on. Preparations for next year still go on. More so now I can start getting close to applying to a university. Preparations galore. In the next 10 days, I will do 6 concerts. Apart from a "do I have enough energy?" worry I don't really feel phased by this.
Academic success is not akin to success in life.
But to me, it is. Simply because it always has been. Yeah, OK, my parents helped fuel that, as did the extra tutoring I had from the age of 6 to "keep me interested" (now that tutoring can be considered a rather obvious success), and this striving for 100% came from that. I like easy to measure success. Up until now, that's meant academic. And mathematical.
"I hope you are incredibly proud of this achievement" said someone. I'm not sure I am. Relieved to the highest heavens, yes, but proud? I'm not exactly the person to be proud of myself. Ever.
Incidentally, studying music academically has meant I can now declare 78% is OK. For music essays. Not generally, just for music essays. Funny that, eh?
Thanks to those who have gently prodded and poked and listened to me panic over my degree. Belief in me from others helps when my belief in me is about zilch ± 1%. You know who you are, and you know I think you are all bloomin' amazing people. Thank you. If I could bake a cake for some of you, and it get to you safely, and it not result in food-panic when it got to you, I would. Thanks.
Right, suppose I'd better get out of bed... I love writing "lie-in" across a morning in my diary...
