Self harm stuff

The 1st of March is Self Harm Awareness Day. I don't like specific days for things - makes me think it is missing the point slightly. Anyway, if it helps even just one person, then I suppose it makes it worthwhile. And now I am going to talk about it, as it has prompted me to do so. Yes, I am indeed a hypocrite.


For me, self harm is quite personal. As far as it can be. Ok, so online, it is actually the prominent feature of me, but in real life it isn't. Well, I go to great lengths to cover up the self harm. So I cover up in always long sleeves. In fact, in 6 years and 1 week (I first harmed myself 6 years and 1 week ago), I have only worn long sleeved tops every day bar 3 days. All three days were in the last 6 months. I can name the 3 days, and what I did on those days.

However, I have scars on my hands too. Some which are there all the time, others which only appear occasionally (usually when my hands are really hot). Which means even in long sleeved tops, high neck lines, full length trousers, or thick tights, and always shoes, I still have reminders of what I have done. Thankfully, the wounds on my face didn't scar too badly.


I first self harmed in the middle of the night, out of desperation for not being able to sleep. It was early Monday morning, after a week off school, and I had to be up early to do all those "reducing stress, but probably actually increasing anxiety level" activities. Well, I hurt myself. Didn't sleep. Then sat in front of a bowl of cereal for about an hour, before chucking it down the sink. Went to school, and horrible things happened. A week away meant that everyone who was horrible to me had thought up new and more scary things to do to me. Anyway, I was found out that morning. I was sent home, an emergency call to my psychiatrist, an emergency appointment the next day, and lots of talking went on without me. Which was probably for the best, as I couldn't really string together monosyllabic words into phrases, let alone talk about tricky things with any great insight.

6 years on, several hospital stays, constant contact with the mental health services, hundreds of metres of surgical tape, boxes of dressings, etc. later, and I am still here. Never thought I would be back then. In fact, every day seems to surprise me - just for the pure realisation things are still here. Simple things - the birds outside, or the fact that the house is still standing, or that I am still breathing. Sounds awfully cheesy, but it feels strange.

Things will never go back to before self harm. Life will never go back to how it was before all this started. But for all the "ick" that it is, I'm glad in some ways. For simple things; would I have ever met the people I care for online? No. Simple as. I wouldn't have got involved in self harm forums, and they are all originally from there. Would I have appreciated little things, even of the darkest days? No. Would I have realised what life is about? No. My life plan is still with the same aim, but the path I'm taking is different, very different. Would I have got the job I have now? No. Would I still be living at home? Probably not - which is sometimes a bad thing, but good more often that not.

Then there is the big thing: would I still be alive? Difficult to say. I was on a self-destructing path. Melodramatic or not, quite a lot of my teenage years have been quite self-destructive. Maybe the self harm helped keep me coping? Maybe it didn't? Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, or the wrong thing to have lived with, or the wrong thing to have put my family through? But maybe it was the least worst option...

Anyway, self harm is very big in my life, even if I hide it as much as I can. One day, I'll wear short sleeves. One day, I'll be open about it. Until that day, I'll keep showing people indirectly that this thing isn't the be all and end all. For some people I know, they have completely the wrong views about it. Even my CPN said as I sat in front of her in a suit after work one day about a month ago, "You don't look like a self harmer - I mean, anyone who saw you walk down the street would never even think you could possibly be a person who hurts herself". So until I tell people that there isn't such a thing as a stereotypical self harmer, I carry on being a person who "couldn't possibly hurt herself, as she is too bubbly/bright/happy" - just to push the observations of those I meet. Being challenged is like most things - learning included - it is a good thing to do.

I'll teach a choir a new piece, even if they at first think it is impossible for them to sing. Challenging them, pushing what they believe. I'll teach a student how to add two numbers when they can't even believe they will ever add up two numbers over 10 competently. Challenging them, telling them it will work, and then them getting it. I'll make my little corner of the world aware about self harm. Challenging them, making them realise that it doesn't mean that the person needs wrapping in cotton wool, or shut out of things. But instead to treat people like people. Which is sometimes forgotten in this little corner of the world - I have seen it with my own eyes, and not been able to do anything about it. So one day, I will. One day, I will.

Why I love the internet

I am not very old compared to lots of people, but I can remember a time when we were really "modern" having a computer at home, and internet. Even in 2002 when I did my GCSE in ICT, I can remember the frustration with everything not working. I found the printed out coursework this week, and it looks very dated.

Anyway, since then, internet has got much bigger, and I'm very glad for that.


I first started using the internet regularly when I was about 15, joined forums - one for mental health, and one for music. I still go on both, as well as various other forums and other things too.

I'm boringly stereotypical in that I like the internet as it means I don't have to interface with people. People say high functioning autistics like the internet for exactly that thing, so maybe I'm "normal within the HFA population" in that respect.

If it weren't for the internet, my life would be much more solitary than it is. My "social" events usually include the internet in some way - from playing music to going and just being with people (usually including drinking, either tea or alcohol!).

The internet has downfalls, my "obsessive and compulsive behaviours" revolved around the internet for years. It meant I was spending hours and hours each day getting more and more stressed and frantically reading news websites about deaths, bad situations (abuse, attacks, injustices in lots of areas of the world) as I believed I needed to know these things that were happening. I believed I was causing every bad thing in the world. It lead to me being in a hugely desperate state, and being put on a horrible psychiatric ward when I should have been revising for my A level exams. I was basically told not to go on the internet, as they believed this was causing my "mental illness to overwhelm my life". (the quotes in that are from doctors involved in my case at the time)

Anyway, the internet is getting much more positive for me. On an average day, I will speak to many more people online than in real life. That is the way I like it, and the people I speak to online lots are basically my friends. And that is the way I like it. My mobile phone contacts list contains more online people than "real life" people (a weird term for people who you interact with in real life, rather than those online) even though I have lots of emergency people in the list in case I ever need anyone (mostly my parent's friends).


Yesterday, I posted on a music internet site about people doing a piano duet with me at a music event (arranged completely online) later on in the month. Within a day, I have 4 duets sorted out to play, just because the internet has facilitated it.
On the same site, I mentioned I had been playing a piece of music - the Finzi Bagatelles for Clarinet and Piano. I was actually saying I wasn't very good at singing-and-playing whilst sight reading, but someone replied today saying that the Finzi "is covered in ink" and that I must be "a very useful pianist" for playing it. I laughed, as it made me think of "really useful boxes", and I've never been described as very useful before. I use the really useful boxes for my stationery supplies, and they are indeed, really useful! I like the idea of being very useful.

Shortly after this, someone (a clarinettist, who due to a comment I posted a few months back, knew I lived in a nearby village to her) sent me a private message, saying she would enjoy playing them with me, and could we meet up to do so? Without the internet, I wouldn't have a date in about a month's time to play music with someone else who enjoys music. I'm quite excited!
Before that date, I've got 2 other music events that are arranged through the internet.

Another positive of the internet is my studies. I started with the Open University just over a year ago, and wouldn't have managed that without the internet. Web design without the internet is quite redundant. Or I wouldn't have managed to contact my tutor with ease, or spent time discussing subjects with other people on the same courses as me.


I love the internet, and I'm sure I'll think of many more reasons as I think about this more.